They love me more than I thought I ever deserved to be loved, and they’ve believed in me when it seemed there was no hope for me. I struggle with the absence of a father, with feeling alone, and with having friends that don’t truly fill the holes missing in my life. But then I can look back over my life, and see all these amazing people who have picked me up when I was on the floor, who showed me the strengths I didn’t know I had, who taught me the things my parents never taught me, and have taken me off of my path of destruction, onto a new path that will bring me to where I need to be. It’s the hardest thing ever to turn from who I was, turn from old mindsets, and come out my comfort zone. But they were there through all of my tears, wiping them away. They were there through all of my triumphs, celebrating with me. They were there to remind me of my worth, when I felt I was worth nothing, and was willing to just die. These people are my church family, and I’ve never met any others like them. I could complain about all I feel is missing in my life, but when I look back and recall what I do have, I can’t help but smile.
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
Invading all my weakness
You wrapped me up in grace
The worse of me succeeded
By the best of You
I am sad. Tonight, I feel like I borderline hate myself. Tonight, I feel like I’ve failed myself. I feel like I’m never going to change, like I’m going to be this ‘screwed up’ little girl forever, and there’s no hope for me. I’ll always complicate friendships, always be this afraid girl hiding from the world, always have low self esteem, and always have to pretend that I’m okay for everyone else. I’ll never see my dad again, I’ll be alone forever, and I’ll grow up doing nothing with myself, sit in my room and dream of what could have been of my life.
My head is screaming these things at me. I’m trying to block them out and focus on God, what his promises say, trusting God is able to transform us, having faith in the fact that He is a healer of broken hearts, broken spirits, and brokenness overall. He will never leave or forsake His child. Right now, I just don’t feel it at all. However, faith is still trusting and believing even when you can’t see, hear, or feel your Father. This is why I still fight.
Through the night
I am crying out to you
and don’t feel I can go on.
But it’s in the night
that You whisper to our hearts
‘My child, just hold on.’
It’s 10:00PM, and I’m home alone babysitting these two little girls. We’re doing a puzzle before we go to bed. Kendle is 9, and Kassidy is 5.
So, we were having a hard time doing this puzzle, and it seemed harder than most (even to me). So finally, Kendle fits a puzzle piece in. She got all excited and just rolled over on the floor and scream, “Glory Hallelujah! Oh Glory! Thank you God!’ I’m watching her roll around on the ground, kicking her legs, and screaming “Glory” because she just found her next puzzle piece. Then Kassidy starts to join her, stands up and says “Praise him! Praise him!”
It’s too cute, and I’m sitting here cracking up as these kids are running around the house, praising God for their puzzle achievements.
Hilarious.
