I close my eyes in hope to see the black empty room of my imagination. The sun has reluctantly set, and it’s time for me to sleep. It’s time for my mind to shut down. But lately, my mind has been working over time. Instead of closing my eyes and seeing the black room of nothingness, I see words, pictures, moving clips, and hear voices. So much goes into the room of my mind throughout the day, but rarely do things ever come out. Memories get pilled up, conversations start to get cluttered, and it becomes a mess. Fast paced living gives no mercy, and rapid intake is required.
So at night… When things are still… When everyone is sleep… I close my eyes and rest my head to finally catch up on the dear sleep that I need.
This is the time that my mind realizes that it can try to fix, sort, and organize the chaos of the day. Dump what is irrelevant, and study what could be useful information some time down the line. I close my eyes but I cannot sleep. Hours of organization must take place before my mind finally shuts down for the night.
I am a hoarder of information. If you’ve ever seen the shows where people hoard possessions, then you can visualize all unneeded boxes and gifts and items that pile up all over their home. It’s so cluttered they can barely walk through their house. My mind is the same way. It takes in everything, and remembers all the small details that no one would care about. But for some strange reason, it tends to throw out the important information. It’s cluttered up there. Night is the only time that it begins to unwind for hours upon hours. No matter how tired I am, or how badly I want to sleep; it refuses to let me, until it is done.
This is my Night Life.
I often can’t find people who enjoy music and art the same way I do. So I keep my music, my paintings, my poems, and stories to myself for the most part. They are a hidden part of my life that most people know about, but have never seen me transfer from earth, into the “Art Realm.”
This man that works at church with me plays the piano also. His name is Sean, and I always find myself staring from a safe distance, as he passionately plays the piano with his eyes close, rocking back and forth with the music. “He’s like me.” I would think to myself.
One day, while we were on our dinner break, asked me to duet with him just for fun. I sat at the piano, feeling completely awkward as he watched my fingers, and told me to just play, and he would follow me.
You want me to just freestyle and play what I feel? This was completely odd for me. The piano was my own personal private journal with all my life’s secret written in intimate detail, and now he was asking me to read it out loud to him. It took me about a half hour to finally let go in the music, and share to share the moment with him.
I didn’t realize how intimate my music is so me.
I start interning on Wednesday of this week, so I’m not going to be able to go to my church anymore since I have to work on Saturdays. I’ll be going to the church that I’m interning at instead, so yesterday was my last day with my church family.
After church, I went to my pastor’s house, and just stayed there until 11 that night to hang out with the family. I cried a bit on my way out the house because I’m going to miss them so much. My little brother facetimed me around midnight, and we stayed up all night talking since I wasn’t able to say goodbye to him today. I’m so glad he stayed with me on the phone even as I was going to sleep, because I think I would have had a rough night and would have been sad and restless if he wasn’t there. I woke up around 4:30, assumed he was sleep and ended the call.
I’m going to miss all of them so much. I don’t have aunts and uncles and cousins that live out where I live, so these people are just about all I have. Now, it’s just me, my mom, and my sister again for a while.
I know this next year is going to be amazing, even though I won’t have my family around as much, but just to know that they’re routing for me is all I need.
I constantly remind myself of all the great and amazing people in my life. I’m showered with love whenever I see them, and I never want to lose that. They have taught me how to treat myself and my family better. Love is the way.
My mom has set up a therapy appointment for me tomorrow. I really don’t want to go. I’m terrified of talking to people, that I don’t know, about what goes on with me. I feel like I’m being forced to let people in… And I’m kind of not okay with that.
I’m going to try my best today to get myself prepared for tomorrow. To relax, and just do what I have to do. I don’t want to offend the doctors, and I don’t want my mom to worry even more than she already is. So I have to find a way to just get through this.
Please pray for me.
I don’t want my fear to hold me back from what needs to get done.
&I don’t know what to do to fix it.